April Showers Bring More Monologue Jokes

The Blood Moon lunar eclipse occurred this week around 4am on the east coast, proving yet again that unless you’re answering a booty call from a 22-year-old Latino boy with washboard abs named Julio, staying up until 4 am just isn’t worth it.

 

Kate Winslet admitted that the only photo she refuses to sign is the one from her nude scene in Titanic. However, she will sign YOUR nude photo.

kate-winslet-in--tit

An Oklahoma man wants to open a bar in his gun range, so folks, if you go there, be very careful when ordering shots.

 

A New Jersey County accidentally summoned a German shepherd to jury duty. The owner had to explain to the court, “Um, my dog can’t serve jury duty, obviously because he’s a German.

german shepherd

 

On Sunday a 16-year-old boy stowed away in a plane’s wheel well and survived the flight from California to Hawaii. He was found wandering the tarmac dazed and confused, thus setting a whole new record for getting high on 4/20.

 

India has a new public health campaign to stop public defecation. We also have a public defecation problem here in the US – it’s called FOX News.

 

Nick Carter the last single member of the Backstreet Boys got married last week, thus crushing the dream of marrying a Backstreet Boys held by girls everywhere in 1997.

 

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of hot dogs last week because the packages were mislabeled. It turns out they accidentally labeled the hot dogs as “food.”

hot dog recall

 

According to a new Social Progress Index from Harvard Business School, the United States ranks 16th in the world, just behind Ireland. In order to improve our ranking, President Obama has officially challenged Ireland to a beer chugging contest.