Jokes du Jour: Mmm. That sounds good. I'll read that.

I’m thankful for these jokes…

On the busiest travel day of the year, the Sunday after Thanksgiving, security lines in the Chicago Midway airport measured over a mile long. We’ve never seen so many people so eager to leave a city since anyone ever lived in Detroit.

mile long

 

Portland, OR was named the best beer city in the world. Scientists believe there must be a direct link between making good beer, and not using deodorant.

 

Someone dropped a beer bottle shattering the glass walkway at London’s Tower Bridge. Bruce Jenner tweeted, “What’s the big deal? I break glass every time I look in the mirror.”

 

A recent study came out revealing that more than half of teens admitted to sexting, and the other half of teens lied about it.

 

Two teenagers were unable to hijack a car because they didn’t know how to drive a stick shift. This is just one more example of how the American Driver’s Education Program is failing our children.

 

The Guiness World Record for the largest nativity scene was broken in Utah with over 1,000 people dressed as angels and wise men. We call that a world record, Utah calls it a family reunion.

nativity scene

 

Girl Scout Cookies are now offering a digital app as an option to buy cookies. Now if only there were an app that could directly inject my blood stream with diabetes.

April Showers Bring More Monologue Jokes

The Blood Moon lunar eclipse occurred this week around 4am on the east coast, proving yet again that unless you’re answering a booty call from a 22-year-old Latino boy with washboard abs named Julio, staying up until 4 am just isn’t worth it.

 

Kate Winslet admitted that the only photo she refuses to sign is the one from her nude scene in Titanic. However, she will sign YOUR nude photo.

kate-winslet-in--tit

An Oklahoma man wants to open a bar in his gun range, so folks, if you go there, be very careful when ordering shots.

 

A New Jersey County accidentally summoned a German shepherd to jury duty. The owner had to explain to the court, “Um, my dog can’t serve jury duty, obviously because he’s a German.

german shepherd

 

On Sunday a 16-year-old boy stowed away in a plane’s wheel well and survived the flight from California to Hawaii. He was found wandering the tarmac dazed and confused, thus setting a whole new record for getting high on 4/20.

 

India has a new public health campaign to stop public defecation. We also have a public defecation problem here in the US – it’s called FOX News.

 

Nick Carter the last single member of the Backstreet Boys got married last week, thus crushing the dream of marrying a Backstreet Boys held by girls everywhere in 1997.

 

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of hot dogs last week because the packages were mislabeled. It turns out they accidentally labeled the hot dogs as “food.”

hot dog recall

 

According to a new Social Progress Index from Harvard Business School, the United States ranks 16th in the world, just behind Ireland. In order to improve our ranking, President Obama has officially challenged Ireland to a beer chugging contest.

First February Jokes

This year the Puppy Bowl racked up 13.5 million viewers. NBC is taking a cue from the show’s popularity and will replace the actors in Cougar Town with actual cougars.

puppy-bowl

 

UNC Chapel Hill admitted to letting some of their student athletes graduate with only a 5th grade reading level. If only this were ten years ago, they’d still have a chance to become president.

 

Jeopardy fans were angered when current champion Anthony Chu didn’t even try to answer his Daily Double sports question. This is probably the only time in history that jeopardy fans will ever get upset over sports.

 

The Red Hot Chili Peppers admitted to miming playing their instruments during the Super Bowl Halftime Show. Flea was miming the bass guitar, Josh Klinghoffer the drums, and lead singer Anthony Keadis spent the entire performance trapped in a box.

 

Facebook is celebrating its ten-year anniversary this month. It’s hard to believe it was only ten years ago that we had to mail Polariod pictures of our Denver Omelettes to let the world know what we ate for breakfast.

 

A few members of the Seinfeld cast reunited for a Super Bowl commercial. The cast of 90210 also reunited for a Super Bowl commercial, only they didn’t call it a “90210 Reunion,” they called it “Our Current Acting Careers.”

 

Beiber settled a lawsuit his bodyguard filed for hitting him. This is the first time a 300-pound man has ever sued for being hit by a girl.

 

Obama recently said, “In a country where we expect free Wi-Fi with our coffee, we should definitely demand it in our schools.” He also added, “And while we’re at it, students should also have unlimited scones, muffins, and Nora Jones CDs.”

 

The public was outraged when Gwen Stefani tweeted a teenage picture and called her younger self: chunky. When Jonah Hill called himself fat in a teenage picture, the public said, “Yea, that sounds about right.”

fat gwen stefani

 

Miley Cyrus posed topless for the cover of Vogue magazine in Germany. Apparently the topless photos turned out to be even less graphic than their original cover of Miley Cyrus eating German sausage.

 

During her live show in Vegas, the crotch of Britney Spears’ tights ripped. While Britney was experiencing wardrobe malfunctions due to her ripped tights, the audience was experiencing slight brain malfunctions due to being at a Britney Spears show.

 

Copenhagen zookeepers defended their decision to kill a healthy giraffe in front of children claiming that children needed to learn the ways of nature, which begs the question, how can we justify exposing children to The Wiggles?

wiggles

 

Vietnam opened its very first McDonald’s this week. Hamburger Happy Meals will come with the option of either beef or rice paddies.

 

Denzel Washington accused an anchorman of thinking all black people look alike after the news anchor mistook him for Laurence Fishburne. Oh wait… I’m sorry. It wasn’t Denzel Washington; it was Samuel L. Jackson.  My bad.

 

Miley Cyrus and Madonna will perform together in Cyrus’s MTV Unplugged special. This is expected to be the most graphic display of female grinding since MTV aired Snooki eating an actual grinder.

 

 

 

 

 

 

More Jokes for January

A 17-year-old Russian boy is responsible for the Target malware attack against millions of Target customers. Apparently his mom became suspicious he might have some extra money when he started converting their family home into a Skate Park and told his mom to just bill the renovations to Margie Noland in Boise, Idaho, Ron Wellington of Cleveland, Ohio, and Alice Ford of Tallahasse, Florida.

 

Madonna apologized for using the hashtag of a form of the N-word on Instagram yesterday. She claimed it was not meant as a racial slur, but as a term of endearment towards her son, to which mothers everywhere responded, “Aw, that’s so sweet. As long as your son is white, that’s totally fine.”

 

Obama shared his views on marijuana recently in an interview with The New Yorker. He said, “I don’t think it is more dangerous than alcohol,” which is true because normally I deliver my monologue completely intoxicated while tonight I’m high, and I bet you can’t even tell the difference, can you?

leaf

 

Sarah Palin criticized Obama in a Facebook post asking him to, in honor of Martin Luther King Day, stop “playing the race card.” Ironically Palin’s Twitter handle use to be “HotWhiteChick28.”  She made it when she was 30.

 

A man was arrested by the police for holding up a sign that warned other drivers of an oncoming speed trap to help them avoid getting pulled over. Nice guy, right? What I’d like to know is, where was that man when Eunice, the 82-year-old checkout lady at Home Depot, trapped me in a twenty minute conversation about the price of baked beans?

 

In other news, apparently now Home Depot is carrying baked beans.

 

A nun gave birth to a baby boy in Italy, claiming she didn’t even know she was pregnant. It’s hard to believe she was so surprised she was having a baby, in spite of the fact that one of the most important topics covered in the entire New Testament is… being surprised by the fact that you’re having a baby.

nun gives birth

 

A federal appeals court in Boston has approved a taxpayer-funded surgery for a convicted murderer to undergo an operation to change him from male to female. This brings a whole new meaning to when I say, “Oh man, I’d kill for a free boob job.”

 

Matthew McConaughey and other members of the cast and crew of the acclaimed film, Dallas Buyers Club recently discussed the challenge of shooting the entire film in only 25 days. Oddly enough, that is just three days less than how long it took to figure out what the hell McConaughey is talking about in his SAG Award acceptance speech.

 

 

This year will mark the 56th annual Grammy Awards. The award itself is 56 years old, which is only a few more years until it is old enough to be an actual grammy.

 

Kanye West was snubbed by the Grammys in the ‘Album of the Year’ category. His album, Yeezus did not get nominated, but don’t worry, Taylor swift’s album Red did, so Kanye might have a chance to get on stage and accept the award after all.

yeezus

In Japan, the porn industry is now making films for elderly people, with some of the porn actors being as old as in their 70’s. Word of warning to anyone who’s going to watch one of these films, you can just skip through the first 45 minutes which is no sex and all waiting for the man’s Viagra to kick in.

 

Currently in the United States, there are only FOUR black Nascar drivers! I think this would be one time it’s ok for black people to get ahead by playing the race car.

 

 

 

 

 

January 16

Recently, Iowa police arrested a man for drunk driving, but his blood alcohol content was so high, it could not be measured with the Breathalyzer. In order to determine how drunk the man was, police showed him pictures of Nick Nolte and asked if he would “tap that.”

nick-nolte-mug-shot

 

 

In an interview on 20/20, an Oklahoma woman came clean about faking her own kidnapping months before her wedding because she got a case of “cold feet.” Upon hearing about this Kim Kardashian tweeted, “Damnit, why didn’t I think of that?”

 

 

A total of 37 states have now completely banned the use of cell phones for teen drivers. As a result, the number of teens in car accidents has gone down, but the number of teens who are “totes POed #majorlame” has gone up.

 

 

Scientists have recently taken applications from over 200,000 people to potentially live permanently on Mars and narrowed it down to 1,000 candidates. Apparently the criteria to be selected was to own multiple cats, live with at least one elderly parent, and be unable to correctly identify female genitalia.

 

 

Obama has declared that 2014 will be the “breakthrough year” for America’s economy. Also expected to break through in 2014 is the alien living inside Miley Cyrus.

miley

 

 

For the first time in years, the Los Angeles Unified School District will be hiring new teachers due to an improvement in their budget, and they have the luxury of being very selective in the hiring process. Upon hearing this news, fifteen-year-old boys all over LA cried, “Finally! Now we can add “swimsuit competition” to the application process!”

 

 

An Apple product reviewer gave Apple the grade of a B- for 2013. When looking back at the work they did over the year to see why they received this score from tech reviewer John Siracusa, Apple realized, “Oh man, we forgot the key factor that always guarantees getting an A: giving an actual apple.”

 

 

It has been reported that if you are single, the best time to online date in 2014 will be on January 5 at 9pm. If you are married, the best time to date online will be every Saturday between 12 and 2pm when your wife is at the nail salon.

 

 

At the opening of one of the first legal recreational marijuana shops in Denver, Colorado, customers waited eagerly in a line that wrapped around the block to buy the drug. By the time the store closed at the end of the day, customers still lined the streets, only now they couldn’t remember what they were standing in line for.

 

 

Pope Francis called a convent of nuns in Spain to wish them a happy new year. The nuns didn’t answer, so he left them a voicemail saying he’d try again later.  He did call them back again later, and this time when they answered he wished them a happy new year and asked if their refrigerator was running. 

 

 

A chemical spill in West Virginia has tainted the Elk River, leaving nine counties unable to use tap water for drinking or bathing for three days now. When local West Virginians were asked what it was like not to be able to brush your teeth for three days, they replied, “We’re supposed to brush these things?”

 

 

The Dallas Safari Club is auctioning off a permit to hunt and kill the endangered black rhino. All proceeds from the auction will then ironically go towards conservation efforts to save the rare species. They are essentially sacrificing one rhino in order to save them all. Broadway producers are already thinking of turning this into a live stage musical, Jesus Christ Super-rhino.

 

 

In preparations for the Olympic Winter Games in Sochi, US officials have an intense security plan in case of a terrorist attack. This plan is called the Ring of Steel. They’re relying on a ring to keep everyone safe. Officials commented, “Hey, it worked for Frodo.”

frodo

 

 

In the latest spat between China and Japan, each accused the other of being a “Voldemort,” which is the evil villain from Harry Potter. Personally, I don’t think China nor Japan are really like the evil Voldemort, and using Harry Potter references is just childish. If you ask me, Japan is more of a Jacob and China is a total Edward.

 

 

New laws are being put into place to protect a mother’s right to pump breast milk at work in order to keep feeding their newborn babies. If there is one thing Americans can get behind, it’s allowing women a safe space to expose their breasts in the workplace.

 

 

A pimp in Oregon brutally beat a client for not paying one of his prostitutes, and now he is suing Nike for not properly labeling the fact that their shoes could be used as weapons. It’s hard to believe that he’s trying to blame Nike for something terrible that he did. It’s also hard to believe that in all this time, no one has been able to come up with a different name for pimps.

 

 

Recently a woman was taken to the ER because she was suffering from an orgasm that lasted three hours. In related news, the Nobel Prize Committee is meeting to consider adding a new category to the esteemed award, the Nobel Prize for Sexual Achievement.

 

 

Bruno Mars invited the Red Hot Chili Peppers to join him in performing at the Superbowl Halftime show, which is the most watched music event of the entire year. What is the least watched music event of the year? Justin Bieber’s live stream of himself humming along to his own album while clipping his toenails. (Sunday nights at 9pm).

 

 

In Southern California a young man was caught while robbing a house because he fell asleep at the foot of the couple’s bed while he was in the middle of robbing it. Apparently the burglar stole two cell phones, a Sony Playstation, and some Z’s. The victims note that he made a horrible thief, but such a great little spoon.