First February Jokes

This year the Puppy Bowl racked up 13.5 million viewers. NBC is taking a cue from the show’s popularity and will replace the actors in Cougar Town with actual cougars.

puppy-bowl

 

UNC Chapel Hill admitted to letting some of their student athletes graduate with only a 5th grade reading level. If only this were ten years ago, they’d still have a chance to become president.

 

Jeopardy fans were angered when current champion Anthony Chu didn’t even try to answer his Daily Double sports question. This is probably the only time in history that jeopardy fans will ever get upset over sports.

 

The Red Hot Chili Peppers admitted to miming playing their instruments during the Super Bowl Halftime Show. Flea was miming the bass guitar, Josh Klinghoffer the drums, and lead singer Anthony Keadis spent the entire performance trapped in a box.

 

Facebook is celebrating its ten-year anniversary this month. It’s hard to believe it was only ten years ago that we had to mail Polariod pictures of our Denver Omelettes to let the world know what we ate for breakfast.

 

A few members of the Seinfeld cast reunited for a Super Bowl commercial. The cast of 90210 also reunited for a Super Bowl commercial, only they didn’t call it a “90210 Reunion,” they called it “Our Current Acting Careers.”

 

Beiber settled a lawsuit his bodyguard filed for hitting him. This is the first time a 300-pound man has ever sued for being hit by a girl.

 

Obama recently said, “In a country where we expect free Wi-Fi with our coffee, we should definitely demand it in our schools.” He also added, “And while we’re at it, students should also have unlimited scones, muffins, and Nora Jones CDs.”

 

The public was outraged when Gwen Stefani tweeted a teenage picture and called her younger self: chunky. When Jonah Hill called himself fat in a teenage picture, the public said, “Yea, that sounds about right.”

fat gwen stefani

 

Miley Cyrus posed topless for the cover of Vogue magazine in Germany. Apparently the topless photos turned out to be even less graphic than their original cover of Miley Cyrus eating German sausage.

 

During her live show in Vegas, the crotch of Britney Spears’ tights ripped. While Britney was experiencing wardrobe malfunctions due to her ripped tights, the audience was experiencing slight brain malfunctions due to being at a Britney Spears show.

 

Copenhagen zookeepers defended their decision to kill a healthy giraffe in front of children claiming that children needed to learn the ways of nature, which begs the question, how can we justify exposing children to The Wiggles?

wiggles

 

Vietnam opened its very first McDonald’s this week. Hamburger Happy Meals will come with the option of either beef or rice paddies.

 

Denzel Washington accused an anchorman of thinking all black people look alike after the news anchor mistook him for Laurence Fishburne. Oh wait… I’m sorry. It wasn’t Denzel Washington; it was Samuel L. Jackson.  My bad.

 

Miley Cyrus and Madonna will perform together in Cyrus’s MTV Unplugged special. This is expected to be the most graphic display of female grinding since MTV aired Snooki eating an actual grinder.