January 16

Recently, Iowa police arrested a man for drunk driving, but his blood alcohol content was so high, it could not be measured with the Breathalyzer. In order to determine how drunk the man was, police showed him pictures of Nick Nolte and asked if he would “tap that.”

nick-nolte-mug-shot

 

 

In an interview on 20/20, an Oklahoma woman came clean about faking her own kidnapping months before her wedding because she got a case of “cold feet.” Upon hearing about this Kim Kardashian tweeted, “Damnit, why didn’t I think of that?”

 

 

A total of 37 states have now completely banned the use of cell phones for teen drivers. As a result, the number of teens in car accidents has gone down, but the number of teens who are “totes POed #majorlame” has gone up.

 

 

Scientists have recently taken applications from over 200,000 people to potentially live permanently on Mars and narrowed it down to 1,000 candidates. Apparently the criteria to be selected was to own multiple cats, live with at least one elderly parent, and be unable to correctly identify female genitalia.

 

 

Obama has declared that 2014 will be the “breakthrough year” for America’s economy. Also expected to break through in 2014 is the alien living inside Miley Cyrus.

miley

 

 

For the first time in years, the Los Angeles Unified School District will be hiring new teachers due to an improvement in their budget, and they have the luxury of being very selective in the hiring process. Upon hearing this news, fifteen-year-old boys all over LA cried, “Finally! Now we can add “swimsuit competition” to the application process!”

 

 

An Apple product reviewer gave Apple the grade of a B- for 2013. When looking back at the work they did over the year to see why they received this score from tech reviewer John Siracusa, Apple realized, “Oh man, we forgot the key factor that always guarantees getting an A: giving an actual apple.”

 

 

It has been reported that if you are single, the best time to online date in 2014 will be on January 5 at 9pm. If you are married, the best time to date online will be every Saturday between 12 and 2pm when your wife is at the nail salon.

 

 

At the opening of one of the first legal recreational marijuana shops in Denver, Colorado, customers waited eagerly in a line that wrapped around the block to buy the drug. By the time the store closed at the end of the day, customers still lined the streets, only now they couldn’t remember what they were standing in line for.

 

 

Pope Francis called a convent of nuns in Spain to wish them a happy new year. The nuns didn’t answer, so he left them a voicemail saying he’d try again later.  He did call them back again later, and this time when they answered he wished them a happy new year and asked if their refrigerator was running. 

 

 

A chemical spill in West Virginia has tainted the Elk River, leaving nine counties unable to use tap water for drinking or bathing for three days now. When local West Virginians were asked what it was like not to be able to brush your teeth for three days, they replied, “We’re supposed to brush these things?”

 

 

The Dallas Safari Club is auctioning off a permit to hunt and kill the endangered black rhino. All proceeds from the auction will then ironically go towards conservation efforts to save the rare species. They are essentially sacrificing one rhino in order to save them all. Broadway producers are already thinking of turning this into a live stage musical, Jesus Christ Super-rhino.

 

 

In preparations for the Olympic Winter Games in Sochi, US officials have an intense security plan in case of a terrorist attack. This plan is called the Ring of Steel. They’re relying on a ring to keep everyone safe. Officials commented, “Hey, it worked for Frodo.”

frodo

 

 

In the latest spat between China and Japan, each accused the other of being a “Voldemort,” which is the evil villain from Harry Potter. Personally, I don’t think China nor Japan are really like the evil Voldemort, and using Harry Potter references is just childish. If you ask me, Japan is more of a Jacob and China is a total Edward.

 

 

New laws are being put into place to protect a mother’s right to pump breast milk at work in order to keep feeding their newborn babies. If there is one thing Americans can get behind, it’s allowing women a safe space to expose their breasts in the workplace.

 

 

A pimp in Oregon brutally beat a client for not paying one of his prostitutes, and now he is suing Nike for not properly labeling the fact that their shoes could be used as weapons. It’s hard to believe that he’s trying to blame Nike for something terrible that he did. It’s also hard to believe that in all this time, no one has been able to come up with a different name for pimps.

 

 

Recently a woman was taken to the ER because she was suffering from an orgasm that lasted three hours. In related news, the Nobel Prize Committee is meeting to consider adding a new category to the esteemed award, the Nobel Prize for Sexual Achievement.

 

 

Bruno Mars invited the Red Hot Chili Peppers to join him in performing at the Superbowl Halftime show, which is the most watched music event of the entire year. What is the least watched music event of the year? Justin Bieber’s live stream of himself humming along to his own album while clipping his toenails. (Sunday nights at 9pm).

 

 

In Southern California a young man was caught while robbing a house because he fell asleep at the foot of the couple’s bed while he was in the middle of robbing it. Apparently the burglar stole two cell phones, a Sony Playstation, and some Z’s. The victims note that he made a horrible thief, but such a great little spoon.