More Jokes for January

A 17-year-old Russian boy is responsible for the Target malware attack against millions of Target customers. Apparently his mom became suspicious he might have some extra money when he started converting their family home into a Skate Park and told his mom to just bill the renovations to Margie Noland in Boise, Idaho, Ron Wellington of Cleveland, Ohio, and Alice Ford of Tallahasse, Florida.

 

Madonna apologized for using the hashtag of a form of the N-word on Instagram yesterday. She claimed it was not meant as a racial slur, but as a term of endearment towards her son, to which mothers everywhere responded, “Aw, that’s so sweet. As long as your son is white, that’s totally fine.”

 

Obama shared his views on marijuana recently in an interview with The New Yorker. He said, “I don’t think it is more dangerous than alcohol,” which is true because normally I deliver my monologue completely intoxicated while tonight I’m high, and I bet you can’t even tell the difference, can you?

leaf

 

Sarah Palin criticized Obama in a Facebook post asking him to, in honor of Martin Luther King Day, stop “playing the race card.” Ironically Palin’s Twitter handle use to be “HotWhiteChick28.”  She made it when she was 30.

 

A man was arrested by the police for holding up a sign that warned other drivers of an oncoming speed trap to help them avoid getting pulled over. Nice guy, right? What I’d like to know is, where was that man when Eunice, the 82-year-old checkout lady at Home Depot, trapped me in a twenty minute conversation about the price of baked beans?

 

In other news, apparently now Home Depot is carrying baked beans.

 

A nun gave birth to a baby boy in Italy, claiming she didn’t even know she was pregnant. It’s hard to believe she was so surprised she was having a baby, in spite of the fact that one of the most important topics covered in the entire New Testament is… being surprised by the fact that you’re having a baby.

nun gives birth

 

A federal appeals court in Boston has approved a taxpayer-funded surgery for a convicted murderer to undergo an operation to change him from male to female. This brings a whole new meaning to when I say, “Oh man, I’d kill for a free boob job.”

 

Matthew McConaughey and other members of the cast and crew of the acclaimed film, Dallas Buyers Club recently discussed the challenge of shooting the entire film in only 25 days. Oddly enough, that is just three days less than how long it took to figure out what the hell McConaughey is talking about in his SAG Award acceptance speech.

 

 

This year will mark the 56th annual Grammy Awards. The award itself is 56 years old, which is only a few more years until it is old enough to be an actual grammy.

 

Kanye West was snubbed by the Grammys in the ‘Album of the Year’ category. His album, Yeezus did not get nominated, but don’t worry, Taylor swift’s album Red did, so Kanye might have a chance to get on stage and accept the award after all.

yeezus

In Japan, the porn industry is now making films for elderly people, with some of the porn actors being as old as in their 70’s. Word of warning to anyone who’s going to watch one of these films, you can just skip through the first 45 minutes which is no sex and all waiting for the man’s Viagra to kick in.

 

Currently in the United States, there are only FOUR black Nascar drivers! I think this would be one time it’s ok for black people to get ahead by playing the race car.